TWELVE

There are twelve days until LeakyCon. Twelve! Why twelve? Why can't it be TWO? or ONE? Or, even better, how about NONE? I'm impatient. Can you tell?

Leaky is doing this thing right now called "Fandom Memories" - it's like a virtual scrap book from across the fandom, people talking about their Harry Potter experiences. So, I thought this was as good of time as any to tell my Harry Potter exeperience.

I don't remember when exactly I got into Harry Potter. I remember that I was very adament not to like it - I don't remember why though. I had the opportunity to win all of the books in a contest (1 and 2, I think, because I was about 8) and I scoffed at it because they were books, obviously there were better prizes than that. (Which is funny, because I liked to read, but I hadn't become obsessed with it yet. It was just something that we did during library class at school.) So, I picked a set of stamp markers, which I abandoned within a week or two and let them dry up.

It wasn't until later, possibly even later that same summer, the time lines are kind of fuzzy for me, that I actually realized how fantastic the books were. I was camping with my best friend, Jenni, who brought her copies of Philosopher's Stone and Chamber of Secrets with her. She read me one passage from Chamber of Secrets and that was it - I was hooked.

I don't remember how I got the first two books, but I know I got the third at the Scholastic bookfair in my school library. I also got the fourth from the bookfair - I spent a lot of money on books that year. I remember the librarian being shocked at how much I spent, and scolding me, even though I wasn't the one who dropped $30.00 for Goblet of Fire - it was my grandma. I had run out of money after I saw it, and I begged her to get it for me, which of course she did. My grandma had a hard time saying no to us grandkids.

The first book I remember being really excited about is Order of the Phoenix. I counted down the days and my brother and I drove into the nearest town first thing the morning of the release to buy the book from Superstore. I grew up about half an hour from the nearest city, so it was a bit later in the day going there than I wanted. But once I did get it, I spent the rest of the day reading.

By the time the Prisoner of Azkaban was slated to be released on film in 2004, I was in the online fandom. I was checking Mugglenet daily, I frequented an EZBoards forum called Expecto Patronum, which was a gathering place for fans to meet, theorize, and basically fangirl. I created "siggies" for people that were absolutely atrocious (I just tried to find an example, but I have since deleted all of them from my ancient photobucket account) and oogled the actors and played random "getting to know you" games. It was fantastic, and my first dose of the fandom. Though, at the time, I didn't really realized that it was any different than any of my other online ventures. (I had a lot of them at that point.)

I was fully immersed in the theorizing and disecting by the time Half-Blood Prince was released. I counted down the days on Mugglenet, devoured every news article they posted, spent hours perusing the web, looking for some hint, any hint to the title, release date, etc. I begged my parents to let me order it online (because I wasn't aware of any bookstores in the city I lived outside of and I thought I would get it that day. Oh, naivety.) even though I would be at 4-H camp when it was released. I was sick for most of the camp, so I didn't spend much time outside, and I went home early. (I admit, part of the "sick" was homesickness and just plain not wanting to be there.) Before I went home early, though, I spent most of the day inside, and one of the councillors, learning how big of a Potterhead I was, offered to let me read Half-Blood Prince for a while. I remember shaking when I devoured the cover and opened it. I still remember how excited I was when I read "The Other Minister" - the sense of adventure. Man, I miss that. When I got home, I read it all in one go, most of it in the living room. When I got to the end, I yelled a lot at the book. So much so that my dad suggested I just stop reading. Now I think it was probably in jest, but then I took it seriously and told him that he was insane before running up to my room so that I could be alone when the inevitable would happen.

When Goblet of Fire was released to film, I was so excited. It was the first time I ever went to the opening night of any movie. There were people dressed in robes (I wasn't one of them) and the fans at the front of the line cheered when they turned the lights on in the theatre (the theatre was in a mall), when they opened the gates, when the previews started to roll, when the opening title appeared, and when the credits rolled at the end. I was beyond annoyed with them, and less than impressed with the movie. I'll be honest - I hated it. I hated what they did with the Triwizard tournament, I hated that John Williams didn't do the score, I hated Barty Crouch Jr, I hated that Voldemort didn't have slits for nostrils or red cat eyes, I hated that Harry's eyes weren't green (which they hadn't been from the first film, but I never noticed that)...I just hated it. By the time we reached my sister's truck, I was ranting and vowing that I would never buy the soundtrack. I took it personally that John Williams didn't do the score again. I took it personally that they changed, and in my opinion, butchered the maze (one of my favourite parts of the movie). It's still my least favourite of the movies, I think, (well, except for Chamber of Secrets, but that's just because of my fear of snakes and spiders. Shudder.) but it has definitely grown on me since then.

During the lead up to Deathly Hallows I continued to frequent Mugglenet daily, I began to go to The Leaky Cauldron just as often, and I think it was around then that I started to listen to Mugglecast and Pottercast. By this time, I was writing fanfiction like crazy - I think I started writing fic around 2004 - and I was a huge Drarry shipper. And a Snaco shipper. And a Drarco shipper. Basically, if it had Draco, I shipped it. I was (and still am, a bit) very much in love with Mr. Tom Felton (though I just thought it was Draco). I was, once again, at summer camp when DH was released - though this time, it was YouthWrite - the writing camp that changed my life about as much as Potter did. I was around people who were just as excited about DH being released as I was - we wrote fanfic, threw theories around, read excerpts from other books (and substituted "wang" for "wand" - which was the first time I had heard anything like that, so I died laughing.), talked about stealing into Calgary to find a bookstore. It was agony waiting to get home so I could read it. In one hand, I didn't want to leave the heaven I had found in YouthWrite, in the other, Harry Potter was waiting for me. I read it all in one go, of course. I mean, what fan didn't, really? I had learned my lesson from HBP - I read it all in my room. Which is good, because I hate crying in front of my parents, and I cried a lot.

I wasn't very impressed with Deathly Hallows at first. It didn't meet my expectations. I didn't read it again until, I think, January 2008. I was much more impressed the second time around. Actually, I loved it.

I went and saw Order of the Phoenix with Jenni - the one who had introduced me to Potter in the first place. It wasn't the opening night this time, but the theatre was still quite full. I cried silently - though perhaps not quite as stealthily as I had thought - when Sirius went through the veil.

It was winter 2007 that I first discovered wizard rock. I had heard of Harry and the Potters before, but I wasn't really enthusiastic about them. But then my friend Carly - from YouthWrite - introduced me to Ministry of Magic, which led me to the Whomping Willows, the Remus Lupins and the Moaning Myrtles. It's all gone uphill from there.

In April 2009 I discovered the HPA through Pottercast when they were talking about Accio Books! I investigated, and joined the Ning. I didn't participate in Accio! but I did frequent the Ning quite often for a while. I also discovered Hank and John Green at this time, through Pottercast again. I began watching their videos, and fell in love. In August I sent in my application to be part of staff, though I didn't get accepted until February 2010.

I was going into my second year of college when Half-Blood Prince came out. I, once again, was at YouthWrite when it came out, so the day after YouthWrite, I drove up to Edmonton with my brother, sister and Kayla (whom I had met the previous year in college and is basically my twin) for my birthday party, which included dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factor, and Harry Potter. My friends and I (which also included Elise, and my friend Sarah), still on high from YouthWrite, and excited about the movie, sang The Mysterious Ticking Noise. But as soon as the lights dimmed, I was all business. I was also teary from the opening credits. Nicholas Hooper's score is so wonderful and haunting, I still get teary. Kayla and I were outright sobbing by the end of the film. But even through puffy, red eyes and tear-stained cheeks, I still ranted about the faults of the movie as we left the theatre. I went and saw the film again, with my friends Sophie, Chris and Colleen, again up in Edmonton, in the IMAX theatre. Embarassingly enough, my phone went off at the beginning of the movie - it was the Harry Potter theme too. Too bad it hadn't gone off at the right time. But once again, by the end, I was sobbing. I saw the movie four times in total, and it definitely got more appealing to me as it went.

It was this summer that I got my wand from Allivan's, my Hufflepuff tie and my Hufflepuff scarf. I also joined MyLeaky, which is where I first started to meet fandom people.

I moved to Edmonton at the end of that summer for school, and one of my new friends, who shared my love for Potter and also worked at Rogers Video, scored me a Half-Blood Prince DVD release poster, that is still currently hanging up in my house. I heard about Wrockstock for the first time that fall, and decided that I needed to go, in edition to LeakyCon 2011. I met some more amazing people through the Wrockstock forums, and even though I didn't get to go to Wrockstock, I met some amazing people through it. I was absolutely crushed when I heard that the Mudbloods retired, after Wrockstock, as they had become one of my favourite wrock bands. I was also crushed when, a month or so later, Christian of Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls announced that he was going to be retiring from wrock after Bare Bones. (Luckily, he did two Bare Bones albums with hints at another album full of remastered tracks.)

In February 2010 I got accepted to be on the HPA Staff, and it's really since then that I fell deeper into the fandom. Before then I knew people and used Twitter to talk to them, but I didn't really feel like part of anything. The HPA really gave me that, and I've met some of the most amazing people ever.

Last winter, Deathly Hallows Part 1 was released. I was neck-high in my first show ever - A Chorus of Disapproval - so I didn't get to go and see it until after the show was closed in December. The wait...well, it sucked. But it was worth it. I did a review on here, so I'm not going to go into details about what I loved and what I hated. But it really sucked seeing the rest of the fandom go see it, when I couldn't.

And now, we're up to date. Mostly. I'm sure I've forgotten loads of things - it's hard not to when the journey is so long. I didn't talk about Beedle the Bard, I realized, which I yearned for, but didn't buy myself. Good thing too, because I got it for Christmas. I did buy Harry: A History, though, which I loved and is amazing. I only recently purchased Fantastic Beats and Where to Find Them and Quidditch Through the Ages - though I've read them loads of times thanks to the library at my old school. I wish I had the original editions, but ah well.

I could end this post with something saying about how it's all ending, but I don't believe it is. Not with Pottermore and wizard rock and the HPA and conferences. Just because the movies are ending, doesn't mean that we have to let anything end. Look at Star Wars. It's still kicking and there haven't been any movies since 2005. (I don't count the Clone Wars movie. It was AWFUL.) Sure, it still has the TV show, but we have other stuff too. So, this isn't the end. It's just another fantastic place mark in our fandom.

Oh, fear

I have already blogged about this once, and deleted the blog because I was too emotional and it involved another person and...yeah. Now I need to focus just on me, and I want to see if blogging about it helps because I don't know how else to deal with it.

I have this irrational fear of commitment. And it's not like "big" commitment or anything, it's any commitment at all. It all stems from my last relationship, where I dated a guy and didn't like him as much as I thought I did. I really just liked him as a close friend, but somehow I convinced myself (and allowed myself to be convinced) that I liked him and that we should date. We were pretty compatable, actually, but...it just didn't work, you know? And he moved SUPER fast and got really possessive REALLY fast. He was talking about fate (not to me, but to mutual friends) and how he could see us together forever kind of thing, within a month. Hell, we were only together a month. That wasn't why I broke up with him, though. I didn't even know about that until AFTER we had broken up. I broke up with him because I realized that we would make better friends, but it...damaged...him so much, that I'm so freaking scared to do that again. Basically, if there's any sort of hint that a guy might like me, I push him away because I don't want to hurt him. It clouds my judgement so much that I never know if I actually like a guy or not. I could like a guy, and then once it starts to appear that he may like me too, I start to second guess myself until I'm so conflicted that I can't tell which arm is which. Which then leads to me pushing him away even more because obviously if I liked him I'd feel something - not this confused mess. I have done this to more than one guy now, and I hate it. I don't want to do it anymore. So I need to figure this out.

I think part of this also stems from what happened to my brother when his ex-wife turned super bitch. She dug his heart out with a spoon, stabbed it repeatedly with a dull pencil, threw it out a window, ran it over with her car, and, just for good measure, tore it into tiny little pieces. Seeing how broken he was really affected me, more than I realized until just recently. I didn't think it had at all, actually, more than the fact that, if it wasn't for the fact the she was my nephew's mother, and the fact that I have been working pretty hard on forgiving her, I would probably hate every cell in her body. (I did, at one point. Now I just have very little respect - or time - for her, but I am civil.)

Another little relationship...tick, I spose, could be when I had a thing for an actor in my program. This is not something I am proud of at all. He's not really the best kind of guy to have a thing for. He'd be a decent enough friend, just...not to date. And that's not what he wanted at all. Nope. So we had this tumultous thing where we both wanted different things and neither of us was telling the other exactly what we wanted, and, well, I ended up getting hurt. And I lost someone who could have been a friend.

So...yeah. That's my story. I don't think this really did anything, because it's not like I've never talked about this before or thought about it for hours. But, you know, maybe someone can offer up some advice or something.

"I'm not going home. Not really."

I just finished watching Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. I haven't watched it for quite a while (well, more recently than the others, I suppose. But it feels like forever) and the whole time I was giggling at how young everyone looks. Kayla and I kept cracking AVPM jokes (ie. when Quirrel came on..."and Jane Austen novels!" etc etc) and just generally giggling the whole movie.

It wasn't until the end of the movie, when Harry says, "I'm not going home. Not really." that I realized something, though. I realized that Harry Potter - the movies especially, I think - has been made so much more to me by the fandom. Without the fandom, I'm not sure I'd be as crazy about it as I am. Sure, I'd still be obsessed. Obviously. But not as much. I wouldn't eat, live and breath Potter, I don't think. When Harry said those words, I really felt them on a different level than I had. Maybe it's because Leaky Con is so close, but it feels like I am about to go home. I am about to go and meet some of my favourite people in this entire universe IRL for the first time. It just hit me so hard that I had to just sit on my couch and stare at the tv for a while after the credits started rolling. The fandom is my home. I've been thinking for years that Hogwarts is, that if I could find a Hogwarts I could really be home. But I think I've realized that I have that in the fandom. I mean, I've really found my niche in theatre, but the Harry Potter fandom is still my home.

Pelican Point Nostalgia

I just got back from a weekend of camping with my family at Pelican Point. The whole weekend was such a nostalgia trip. I spent so much time there as a kid at my Great Uncle's cabin, running around at the beach, playing botchi ball, playing beach volley ball, playing in the play ground, running to the snack shuttle (which was shaped like an actual shuttle)...it was so weird to see how much it has changed. I haven't been there for probably five years or so and now Uncle Victor's cabin has been sold to someone else, and has had a lot of work put into it. The water levels have skyrocketed, and there is very little public beach left - and no private beach. The snack shuttle is no more and the play ground has been upgraded. But so much of it is the same. The camp sites, most of the cabins, the lake itself. It wasn't nice enough to go swimming, or even hang out at the beach (the wind was so cold!) but mom and I went for a walk last night. It was rainy and windy, but we just wandered around Pelican Point, mostly through the cabins, talking about the cabins and nostalgia and it was just nice.

I mean, there were some not nice things about it too - like the fact that it wasn't really nice out, and that our neighbours were loud enough to keep me up until 3:30 last night (yay tenting), and that when we took my tent down there were A BAJILLION SPIDERS all over it. *shudder* God I slept in that. Ahhhh. I hate spiders so much. But it was good. I read A LOT. (I'm currently reading "Going Bovine" by Libba Bray. It is SO GOOD.) And I got to spend an entire weekend with my parents and Randy and Kale. Kelly wasn't there for much of it - she had to work - but she came for a few hours yesterday. I've really started to appreciate the little family time I can get in.

Soul Sucker

I just deleted a post I just wrote gushing about my new iPhone. It wasn't even up for 5 minutes, and I was thinking merlin, what did I just post? No one cares! and deleted it. These three sentences basically are all you need to know about it - I got one, I love it, wanna suggest some free apps?

Now the actual reason for this blog. I have been thinking about the internet lately. More specifically, cutting back. (Ironic, because I just got a smart phone which will give me unlimited access.) I never use tumblr anymore, even after I've allowed myself to go back on it. I just don't care anymore. And I rarely go on YouTube after my month-long absence. Again, I just don't care. I think I'm going to clean out my subscriptions when I get home, and basically just start following Hank and John. And probably Mike Lombardo and maybe a few others, but honestly, Hank and John are pretty much the only ones I actually watch anymore. The rest I just delete. So. There's that.

I've also unconsciously cut Twitter down a lot. I rarely use it for my personal account anymore. I use it for the HPA a lot, but I don't go on Twitter a lot at home. Again, I just don't really care. I think I might go through my followers and cut some of them out too - not to piss people off (which I hope doesn't happen), but because, I'm sorry, I just don't care. But then again, maybe I'll just sign off for a while and see what happens.

Facebook I don't really enjoy, either. I go on it because a) I'm bored and b) a lot of my IRL friends that I don't see often are on there, and I want to keep in touch with them. But I don't care. I haven't liked Facebook for quite a long time, actually. I like it for sharing photos, but...honestly, that's almost it. I wouldn't delete my account, because of all of the photos I have on there that aren't mine, but I like.

So as you can see, I'm considering just signing out of social networking sites for a while. Unplugging. I've been so plugged in for so long, and it's cut into my creativity. I am either a) on the internet or b) watching Doctor Who (at least, that's how it is right now). I want to write. But every time I say that, it never happens, because the internet happens, or Doctor Who happens, or reading happens, or something. After I finish Series 1 of Doctor Who, which I have borrowed from the library, I'm going to lay off the tv shows for a while. I'm going to concentrate on reading and writing. Maybe some other crafty type stuff. But also seeing friends and hanging out. Maybe watching some more films on Netflix, which may seem a lot like watching tv, but it's not, I promise. It's inspiring for me. So, I'm going to finish my screenplay. By the end of the month. That is my goal. And then maybe start on another writing project. We'll see how July goes. So. Starting now (well, after I post notices on Twitter and Facebook so people don't get concerned if I don't respond) I am signing out, unplugging, for a week. See if I miss it or not.