Oh, fear

I have already blogged about this once, and deleted the blog because I was too emotional and it involved another person and...yeah. Now I need to focus just on me, and I want to see if blogging about it helps because I don't know how else to deal with it.

I have this irrational fear of commitment. And it's not like "big" commitment or anything, it's any commitment at all. It all stems from my last relationship, where I dated a guy and didn't like him as much as I thought I did. I really just liked him as a close friend, but somehow I convinced myself (and allowed myself to be convinced) that I liked him and that we should date. We were pretty compatable, actually, but...it just didn't work, you know? And he moved SUPER fast and got really possessive REALLY fast. He was talking about fate (not to me, but to mutual friends) and how he could see us together forever kind of thing, within a month. Hell, we were only together a month. That wasn't why I broke up with him, though. I didn't even know about that until AFTER we had broken up. I broke up with him because I realized that we would make better friends, but it...damaged...him so much, that I'm so freaking scared to do that again. Basically, if there's any sort of hint that a guy might like me, I push him away because I don't want to hurt him. It clouds my judgement so much that I never know if I actually like a guy or not. I could like a guy, and then once it starts to appear that he may like me too, I start to second guess myself until I'm so conflicted that I can't tell which arm is which. Which then leads to me pushing him away even more because obviously if I liked him I'd feel something - not this confused mess. I have done this to more than one guy now, and I hate it. I don't want to do it anymore. So I need to figure this out.

I think part of this also stems from what happened to my brother when his ex-wife turned super bitch. She dug his heart out with a spoon, stabbed it repeatedly with a dull pencil, threw it out a window, ran it over with her car, and, just for good measure, tore it into tiny little pieces. Seeing how broken he was really affected me, more than I realized until just recently. I didn't think it had at all, actually, more than the fact that, if it wasn't for the fact the she was my nephew's mother, and the fact that I have been working pretty hard on forgiving her, I would probably hate every cell in her body. (I did, at one point. Now I just have very little respect - or time - for her, but I am civil.)

Another little relationship...tick, I spose, could be when I had a thing for an actor in my program. This is not something I am proud of at all. He's not really the best kind of guy to have a thing for. He'd be a decent enough friend, just...not to date. And that's not what he wanted at all. Nope. So we had this tumultous thing where we both wanted different things and neither of us was telling the other exactly what we wanted, and, well, I ended up getting hurt. And I lost someone who could have been a friend.

So...yeah. That's my story. I don't think this really did anything, because it's not like I've never talked about this before or thought about it for hours. But, you know, maybe someone can offer up some advice or something.